Maybe we should send this to city council?

I peed my pants reading this one.... thanks bikesnob dude!
(You should have heard the fit of cackling that resulted from my sore throat and the line "People Who Don’t Go When The Light Turns Green Because They’re Too Busy Texting, Flavoring Their Coffee, or Checking Themselves for Pubic Lice")


TREATY
Between Cyclists and Drivers

It is hereby agreed as follows:

Division of the Roadways

Drivers can have all highways, freeways, expressways, and interstates. Cyclists keep everything else. Motor vehicles shall not be allowed on local roads, and bicycles shall not be allowed on highways. The exception to this will be the Jackie Robinson Parkway (formerly the Interboro Parkway) between Brooklyn and Queens in New York. This shall be renamed in honor of professional cyclist and alleged sex symbol Mario Cipollini, and it shall be used exclusively for high-speed hair product testing. (First to be tested will be Mario’s new combination hair gel/chamois cream, which not only prevents crotchal chafing but can also keep a coiffure stationary at speeds in excess of 200mph. Will be marketed under the brand name “Taint Movin’.”)

Exchange of Prisoners

Cyclists will return to drivers all German automobile-driving Blackberry users in exchange for the return of their CSC kit-wearing, mountain bike shoe-wearing Cervelo riders. As it happens, most of the former are also the latter, so they should all be relieved to be reunited with their respective bicycles/automobiles and to make their garages whole again. Cyclists will also return all UPS, FedEx, and DHL (the Nashbar of courier companies) truck drivers in exchange for all bicycle messengers and cycle-rickshaw drivers captured in battle. There have been some lonely bongs in the cyclists’ ranks, and cyclists can expect the celebratory sound of gurgling water to ring out well into the night upon the prisoners’ return.

(As discussed during last week’s secret summit, since cyclists don’t want the recumbent riders and triathletes back, and since drivers don’t want the operators of forest-green minivans and Lincoln Town Cars back, we’ll just drop them all off on Bikini Atoll. War is hell, but at least something good has come out of it for both sides.)

The Wilderness Theater

While a truce may have been struck on the roads, apparently the war rages on in the woods as the ATV riders and mountain bikers continue to fight. How many paintballs need to be fired, and how many suits of body-armor splattered, before this madness ends? Probably a lot. So let’s just agree to look the other way and let them burn themselves out in there. They’ll all get tired eventually.

Slurs

Drivers agree to stop calling all cyclists “Lance Armstrong.” It’s enough already. If a driver absolutely must call a cyclist something, the driver may call him “Wim van Est,” or else “Heidi Van de Vijver” if the cyclist is a woman or person of indeterminate gender. In exchange, cyclists agree not to get all self-righteous and “green” during altercations with drivers. This includes: demanding that the driver stop driving; lecturing the driver on his or her vehicle’s gas mileage; and blaming the driver for yesterday’s unseasonable cold spell or for global warming-related polar bear drowning deaths.

The Forming of an Ineffectual Body to Enforce These Provisions

To ensure that cyclists and drivers continue to live side by side in peace and mutual respect as they undoubtedly will, a weak and indecisive group will be formed to oversee and enforce the provisions contained herein. This group will consist of representatives from the various Cyclist and Driver subgroups. The following subgroups of cyclists have been identified and acknowledged to date: Roadies; Randonneurs; XC Mountain Bikers; Downhillers; Freeriders; Messengers; Fixed-Gear Freestylers; Commuters; That Guy At Work Who Has A Bike He Never Rides But Is Always Asking About Yours; Cyclocrossers; and BMXers. The following driver subgroups have also been identified: Idiots; Idiots from Jersey; Women Who Are Dwarfed By Their SUVs; People Who Don’t Go When The Light Turns Green Because They’re Too Busy Texting, Flavoring Their Coffee, or Checking Themselves for Pubic Lice; Delivery People; Lost Idiots from Jersey; and Taxi Drivers.

More subgroups will be added as they are identified.

Signed this Twenty-Fifth Day of March, 2008,



__________________
Cyclists


__________________
Drivers